If they gave out a manual right before you have kids, the title of the book should say something like this.
“How to End Up With The Most Screwed Up Scenarios in Your Entire Existence” Volume One.
I’m trying to use more appropriate language here. Believe me, I want to say something significantly more colorful.
I know my childhood was filled with strict insanity, and general loathing for the people who brought me in to this world, and tried to raise me, although one of them failed miserably in that attempt.
I know that I am trying to assist in raising three children, who are super kids, don’t get me wrong, but their father is something entirely different.
How can someone expect to change what they went through in the span of 15 years of their life in a moment’s notice? How can I change the impulses that I have regarding what I think is right for a parent to do, and what is either considered right in a common sense, or right in a team sense with my wife?
You can’t. It’s either cooperate, or get your ass out of the way because you’re going to lose a limb, or worse.
I am ranting about something that is so ridiculously stupid and petty, I dare give it utterance. But the facts are simple. I don’t know how to change, I have a tremendous amount of difficulty trying to change, and when change happens around me, I don’t like it, I try to accept it, but more often than not, I resist it, and, also more often than not, I tend to lose my temper about it.
And if this small, insignificant little non-issue can cause me to write some drivel like this and feel like I want to punch a hole through the wall, I can’t wait to see how I’m going to feel when we go through the real huge change that we MUST go through in the near future, for my entire family’s sake.
I love my wife.
I love my children.
That is not in question here.
I have to say truthfully, at times, I wish I had a time machine, and I could go back in time and do a lot of things over, and make sure I do it right. Because from where I have been to where I am now, shoot, one or two choices, and I’d probably be a lot happier.
Now, we all know that’s never going to happen, and I have to accept what I have, and I do, believe me, I do.
I wish sometimes my emotions can listen to my brain, and not take my body over involuntarily, like how they did right now.
December 11, 2008 at 5:38 AM |
I’ve found that the longer you are alive, the more chains you will place around yourself as a result of making life’s inevitable choices. The true tragedy is that many of those choices will be motivated by good, positive intent, but will make you a villian when you later try to break those chains to provide for your own well-being.
I know the above is as cryptic, if not moreso, than your posts, but I hope you find value in it. I’ve been where you are…and the only regret you can logically pin to yourself is not trying/doing what you believe is correct. Good luck brother,